About helplessness, control, and getting what I wanted when I wanted it

When I was a small child, I was very troublesome for my mom. Since I was her only daughter, she spoiled me early on, and that habit must have been what made me such a nuisance growing up. Contributing to her feelings of guilt towards me was the fact that my father never really cared about me. He showed up for my birthday or christmas once a year (if I was lucky), but other than that, I never saw much of him. I'm sure that it was very hard for my mom to see her only daughter being mistreated by her own father, so she insisted on giving me what I wanted when I wanted it.

This led, of course, to quite bothersome situations. For instance, if my mom wanted to go buy something at the store and my big brother wasn't at home, she had to take me with her. This wasn't an easy thing to do. I always wanted something, say candy for instance, and if I didn't get it, I would scream. Not whine or complain with an annoying voice. NO. Scream my lungs out, until I was almost spastic. I would fly into such a state of rage if I didn't immediately get what I desired, that my mom had no choice but to turn around and walk home again (yes, I screamed even BEFORE we got to the store). Of course she didn't feel like bringing her banshee child into the premise of other adults in a closed off area. It would have been hell for her. So often, I prevented her from buying things at the store.

I had power over something. I was thrilled. I couldn't control whether or not my father would visit me, or call me. I couldn't make him love me and care for me. But I could get that candy, or if all else failed, scream until I got my mom to turn around with me and walk home again. That feeling of control was all I had, and sometimes it still is.

So addictive.