La Roux

What's my position?
I don't understand
Am I your possession?
Am I in demand?

But isn't it just a garbage truck?`

I morse när jag skulle gå med min fina son till dagis var det fem meter snö överallt och självklart hade ingen plogat under natten. Så det var bara att slopa vagnen och gå till fots istället. På vägen får min grabb syn på en sopbil där en karl håller på att slänga in diverse vidriga tingestar (som ju är själva syftet med en sopbil). Jack står som paralyserad och iakttar hela processen med ett leende på läpparna. Det är ju skitspännande! Jag kan inte påstå att jag själv såg fascinationen i det hela, men jag stannade ju likväl och berättade för Jack exakt vad det var som hände. Ibland får jag verkligen påminna mig själv om att barn ser på världen på ett helt annat sätt. Allting är ju nytt och roligt för honom. När han var ett år var en pinne eller ett löv tillräckligt för att välta hans värld. Nu krävs det en sopbil. Om tjugo år kanske han söker kickar genom att tågluffa jorden runt.

Varför kan vi inte alltid tänka som ett barn?

!

You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you

Insanity

Eh...i måndags påbörjade jag ett nytt träningsprogram som jag blev sugen på att prova...insanity heter det, och det är med den där nissen Shaun T eller vad han kallar sig. Han har tidigare gjort skitmesiga "Hip hob abs" så jag trodde inte riktigt på detta. Men...jag har haft träningsvärk HELA veckan. I måndags körde jag ett fit test på tjugo minuter för o kolla hur bra form jag var i. Helt okej, visade det sig, men helt klart utrymme för en massa förbättring. Tisdagen körde jag plyometric cardio circuit, 40 minuters helvete, roligt men jobbigt av FAN. Onsdagen blev det cardio power and resistance, lite mer betoning på typ armhävningar, och muskler överhuvudtaget, men fortfarande med intensiv cardioträning...torsdagen bjöd på cardio recovery, lugn träning i 40 minuter, men fortfarande mycket betoning på motstånd, långsamma yogaövningar, squats, lunges, osv. Oblique twists etc. Hade sjuk träningsvärk i mina obliques idag kan jag säga...vågar knappt andas hehe :) Sen i morse så körde jag...pure cardio, som var återigen 40 minuters intensivt intensivt. Först körde man fem minuters uppvärmning (TUFFT, föreställ dig bara high knees så fort du bara kan i en hel minut som uppvärmning), fem minuter stretch, 20 minuter cardio (och då är det maxad fart i tjugo minuter utan någon paus) och nedvarvning...

Jag är helt slut efter denna träningsvecka och mina muskler hatar mig. Men likfan ser jag redan förändringar. Har varit riktigt petig med maten såklart och ätit nyttigt och varierat. Finns inga genvägar. Men rolig träning som sagt, but it will kill you. Det är absolut inget för såna som aldrig har tränat förut, utan man ska nog vara i medelbra form iaf för att komma igenom ett sånt där pass.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZLK28BHJDd8 länk till helvetesupplevelsen :)

Nu sticker jag till Vetlanda och min darling :) YAY!

FUCK!

I hate when I'm trying to upload a song and it just won't work. So I'll upload it on Youtube instead and post the link here...groan.

Here's the link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J8zjcOLN-yU

Put on your honest face for me...

...so that everytime I look at you, I can tell what you're thinking...

About helplessness, control, and getting what I wanted when I wanted it

When I was a small child, I was very troublesome for my mom. Since I was her only daughter, she spoiled me early on, and that habit must have been what made me such a nuisance growing up. Contributing to her feelings of guilt towards me was the fact that my father never really cared about me. He showed up for my birthday or christmas once a year (if I was lucky), but other than that, I never saw much of him. I'm sure that it was very hard for my mom to see her only daughter being mistreated by her own father, so she insisted on giving me what I wanted when I wanted it.

This led, of course, to quite bothersome situations. For instance, if my mom wanted to go buy something at the store and my big brother wasn't at home, she had to take me with her. This wasn't an easy thing to do. I always wanted something, say candy for instance, and if I didn't get it, I would scream. Not whine or complain with an annoying voice. NO. Scream my lungs out, until I was almost spastic. I would fly into such a state of rage if I didn't immediately get what I desired, that my mom had no choice but to turn around and walk home again (yes, I screamed even BEFORE we got to the store). Of course she didn't feel like bringing her banshee child into the premise of other adults in a closed off area. It would have been hell for her. So often, I prevented her from buying things at the store.

I had power over something. I was thrilled. I couldn't control whether or not my father would visit me, or call me. I couldn't make him love me and care for me. But I could get that candy, or if all else failed, scream until I got my mom to turn around with me and walk home again. That feeling of control was all I had, and sometimes it still is.

So addictive.

Fever

Just say yes

I'm running out of ways to make you see
I want you to stay here beside me
I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am
So just tell me today and take my hand
Please take my hand
Please take my hand

Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love

It's so simple and you know it is
You know it is, yeah
We can't be to and fro like this
All our lives
You're the only way to me
The path is clear
What do I have to say to you
For Gods sake, dear
For Gods sake, dear
For Gods sake, dear
For Gods sake, dear
For Gods sake, dear

Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love

Just say yes, coz I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch of your warm skin
As I breathe you in

I can feel your heart beat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want
It's all I want

Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love

Just say yes, coz I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch of your warm skin
As I breathe you in

An indecisive mind is a bad bad thing

It's so easy for me to sit and contemplate. I do it every day. Too often. I do not know if it's simply a result of everything that I have been through. So that I have to think about every single detail and plan things beforehand. I just don't want anything to go wrong. But is there really a way of controlling your life? Probably not. I'm just fooling myself.

So I'm deciding, right here and right now, to make my new year's resolution to "stop thinking and start living". If I enjoy the ride, why sit and think about what kind of burger I'm going to eat when I'm on solid ground again? It's silly, isn't it?

Also, I should be more honest. Not that I'm not honest, I just choose to talk about the silly things when I could say something earth shattering and wonderful, if only I had the guts to do it. Maybe there is a time for everything...