Idag har jag varit tillsammans med älsklingen i ett halvår...tycker tiden har gått alldeles för fort, men samtidigt alldeles för långsamt. Vi kan ju inte alls ses så mycket som jag vill...fick jag bestämma så skulle jag vara med dig jämt älskling, det är så det känns. Älskar att ligga i din famn och känna när du stryker mig över håret, jag behöver det så mycket, din närhet. Dina kramar och dina kyssar har blivit så viktiga för mig, ungefär som mat eller luft, jag varken kan eller vill vara utan det...
Jag vet att jag troligtvis skrämmer skiten ur dig rätt så regelbundet eftersom jag är så på och framåt-tänkande, men om det är någon tröst så skrämmer du skiten ur mig med ibland av precis motsatt orsak..haha :)
Övrig kuriosa i sammanhanget är att det här faktiskt är min längsta oavbrutna relation :P Lite häftigt :)
Miss u babe...
lördag 27 februari 2010
torsdag 25 februari 2010
A poem, or perhaps a song?
you are an impressive construction
edges everywhere the eye looks
standing tall as an oak tree
but fortified with steel
you are an addictive illusion
as i try to understand you
everything about you
becomes more unclear, fuzzy
you are the sharpest tool
yet sometimes when you cut
i sense your fear
your fear of failing, or disappointing
you are a rose, tempting with your glow
but when i try to hold you
and pull you closer to me
i end up bleeding a little
sometimes when you walk
or do small things, i see your fear
not hanging over you
but like a black, sharp light inside you
i don't know what you are afraid of
i can't understand what you've been through
but i know that it has given you fear of life
please don't fear me
i'm not life
i'm just me
edges everywhere the eye looks
standing tall as an oak tree
but fortified with steel
you are an addictive illusion
as i try to understand you
everything about you
becomes more unclear, fuzzy
you are the sharpest tool
yet sometimes when you cut
i sense your fear
your fear of failing, or disappointing
you are a rose, tempting with your glow
but when i try to hold you
and pull you closer to me
i end up bleeding a little
sometimes when you walk
or do small things, i see your fear
not hanging over you
but like a black, sharp light inside you
i don't know what you are afraid of
i can't understand what you've been through
but i know that it has given you fear of life
please don't fear me
i'm not life
i'm just me
torsdag 18 februari 2010
Ode to my grandfather
I had a dream about my grandpa who passed away a few days after christmas, two years ago. I was never with him when he was dying, cause everything went so fast...and in a way I couldn't be there, I was afraid to see him weak and in pain. I wanted to remember him the way he appeared to me on christmas eve that year...strong, happy, full of christmas spirit despite the fact that he obviously was in some amount of pain (he had stomach cancer without ever knowing about it).
The dream I had...was amazing. I was at his side. He was dying, but still smiling...I was singing a song to him..."Du vet väl om att du är värdefull". The same song that me and Martina sang at Jack's baptism...it was a peculiar feeling to sing the same song to my grandfather, even though the words were perfectly fitting for him. Because he was worth SO MUCH to me. I always loved him. But why am I talking about him. I need to talk TO him. I always loved you grandpa, and I always will. I am so happy that you got to spend time with Jack for almost a full year before you left this earth, but at the same time I'm sad that Jack won't have you there while growing up.
All the things you were to me. The strong, old man, tending to his crops outside. Potatoes, carrots, and of course the deliciously tempting berries that always grew perfectly under your care...
I remember when we took long walks in the forest, me an eight year old with a huge amount of energy, you an already bent over old man of 70 something years, walking slowly and carefully between the stones to not fall over and hurt yourself. I loved you so much grandpa. I loved the way you were always so patient with me. You would give me soda and sandwiches with lots of butter and cheese on them, and that alone made me love you.
I enjoyed reading and you knew this. You were member of a book club, but now I realise that it was only for me. You would save the books and give them to me when me and mom visited. I was only 10, but i still enjoyed the complex books a great deal...I thought the books were for you, but I never saw you read. All the things you did for me....
I loved your cat too, Kasper. The black and white thick ball of fur, he would slowly gaze at things around him, the calmest cat I've ever known. He would brush his head against mine and I would pretend I was a cat just like him in order to see what he saw.
I loved you grandpa. I love you. I love the way nature loved you. The way you would take care of the deers and birds when the weather was bad, by putting out food for them in your garden. I loved seeing the food disappear, it calmed me to know that you helped them survive the harsh winter.
In a way you were my father grandpa. Cause I never had one, and my brother was never meant to fill that role. You made me laugh. Do you remember when we used to sing songs from that blue book of yours..you, me and mom. Songs of Evert Taube. Albertina is the song I remember best, I particularly liked that one, it gave me visions of adventure and romance.
I loved your house too grandpa. The old furnishings, the way the floor was always cold, even during summers. Your old black and white tv, which only showed sports cause that was all you would ever watch. Your bathroom with the weird toilet that was sometimes not very cooperative. Your old stove and oven with iron covers. The piles of tins with catfood in them, whiskas everywhere...your funny glass with a disney figure on it. I think it was donald duck but I sadly can't remember for sure. I would always drink soda from it. Your enormous freezer that you kept in the kitchen against the back wall. It always contained so many exciting things, berries, mushrooms, meat and vegetables. And of course the skafferi. I can't remember what it's called in english right now...so cold inside. I always went there to get my precious soda, and it was always a special moment for me when you used to tell me: i think there's a soda for you in there, and point with a smile on your face towards the green door.
I love you grandpa. You mean so much to me...thank you for everything you have ever done, and ever been. Thank you for everything that you still are.
The dream I had...was amazing. I was at his side. He was dying, but still smiling...I was singing a song to him..."Du vet väl om att du är värdefull". The same song that me and Martina sang at Jack's baptism...it was a peculiar feeling to sing the same song to my grandfather, even though the words were perfectly fitting for him. Because he was worth SO MUCH to me. I always loved him. But why am I talking about him. I need to talk TO him. I always loved you grandpa, and I always will. I am so happy that you got to spend time with Jack for almost a full year before you left this earth, but at the same time I'm sad that Jack won't have you there while growing up.
All the things you were to me. The strong, old man, tending to his crops outside. Potatoes, carrots, and of course the deliciously tempting berries that always grew perfectly under your care...
I remember when we took long walks in the forest, me an eight year old with a huge amount of energy, you an already bent over old man of 70 something years, walking slowly and carefully between the stones to not fall over and hurt yourself. I loved you so much grandpa. I loved the way you were always so patient with me. You would give me soda and sandwiches with lots of butter and cheese on them, and that alone made me love you.
I enjoyed reading and you knew this. You were member of a book club, but now I realise that it was only for me. You would save the books and give them to me when me and mom visited. I was only 10, but i still enjoyed the complex books a great deal...I thought the books were for you, but I never saw you read. All the things you did for me....
I loved your cat too, Kasper. The black and white thick ball of fur, he would slowly gaze at things around him, the calmest cat I've ever known. He would brush his head against mine and I would pretend I was a cat just like him in order to see what he saw.
I loved you grandpa. I love you. I love the way nature loved you. The way you would take care of the deers and birds when the weather was bad, by putting out food for them in your garden. I loved seeing the food disappear, it calmed me to know that you helped them survive the harsh winter.
In a way you were my father grandpa. Cause I never had one, and my brother was never meant to fill that role. You made me laugh. Do you remember when we used to sing songs from that blue book of yours..you, me and mom. Songs of Evert Taube. Albertina is the song I remember best, I particularly liked that one, it gave me visions of adventure and romance.
I loved your house too grandpa. The old furnishings, the way the floor was always cold, even during summers. Your old black and white tv, which only showed sports cause that was all you would ever watch. Your bathroom with the weird toilet that was sometimes not very cooperative. Your old stove and oven with iron covers. The piles of tins with catfood in them, whiskas everywhere...your funny glass with a disney figure on it. I think it was donald duck but I sadly can't remember for sure. I would always drink soda from it. Your enormous freezer that you kept in the kitchen against the back wall. It always contained so many exciting things, berries, mushrooms, meat and vegetables. And of course the skafferi. I can't remember what it's called in english right now...so cold inside. I always went there to get my precious soda, and it was always a special moment for me when you used to tell me: i think there's a soda for you in there, and point with a smile on your face towards the green door.
I love you grandpa. You mean so much to me...thank you for everything you have ever done, and ever been. Thank you for everything that you still are.
Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it's never quite as it seems
Never quite as it seems
I know I felt like this before
But now I'm feeling it even more
Because it came from you
Then I open up and see
The person fumbling here is me
A different way to be
I want more, impossible to ignore
Impossible to ignore
They'll come true, impossible not to do
Impossible not to do
Now I tell you openly
You have my heart so don't hurt me
For what I couldn't find
Talk to me amazing mind
So understanding and so kind
You're everything to me
Oh my life is changing everyday
Every possible way
Though my dreams, it's never quite as it seems
'cause you're a dream to me
Dream to me
söndag 7 februari 2010
Feelings, not thoughts
Ibland tänker jag att jag tänker för mycket...men det är inte riktigt sant...ibland känner jag för mycket. Hela jag vill bara explodera i en massa känslor. Är det bra eller dåligt? Jag vill bara vara ärlig mot mig själv med allt jag känner, jag vill faktiskt inte leva utan honom..
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